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Why Not Just Date a Man? The Answer

June 15, 2012

Femmes who date butches have been asked since the beginning of time, “Why date a woman who looks like a man? Why not just date men?”

A friend told me about a blog she reads that tried to answer that question and, from both of our perspectives, failed miserably at it. The blogger said all kinds of things that made us laugh or shriek with outrage. [Well, the friend in question is butch, so she DEFINITELY didn’t shriek with outrage. She … bellowed with outrage! That’s more butch, right? A bellow? Whatever. She, too, was outraged.] Things like “there is always an air of femininity, even with butches.” [Uh, no. If that butch has an “air of femininity”, I’m not interested. ]

I tried to put into words why I am sexually attracted only to butches and generally only to those who are, as a jealous ex once put it, “just this side of peeing standing up.”

I couldn’t.

Want to know why?

It’s an unanswerable question.

It’s also an infuriating one.

Who the hell else is asked “why are you attracted to X,Y, or Z”? I mean. Does anyone ask the guy who only likes petite blondes why that is? No. The reason they don’t is because they *understand* that: women are supposed to be petite and, in this country, blonde. No one thinks twice about it when a woman is only attracted to lumberjack-kinda guys or wealthy men. The attraction makes sense to them. No one asks butches “Why are you only attracted to femmes?” (for those who are, that is. )

Oh, I know who else is asked that: non-fat men who the media call, in a snarky tone, “chubby chasers.” If a non-fat man prefers larger women, then he’s castigated. ESPECIALLY if he’s a guy who is judged attractive enough to snare a “regular” woman. [When I realized that description of men sounded like they were milk, I almost changed it. But it made me laugh, so I didn’t. The inner workings of Barbara’s mind.]

Sexual attraction is nebulous. I can give you a list of attributes that I find appealing but the women to whom I’m attracted don’t all have each of those attributes. My college girlfriend barely qualified as butch and I was hopelessly in love with her.

The best I can do by way of explanation is that I am attracted very much to masculinity but not at all to men.

The best answer I can think of is this: That, my friend, is like asking me why I like blueberries. I just do. Oh, and they’re delicious.


From → Butch Love

  1. I have written hundreds of words about this, and basically have just said exactly what you summed up so neatly here:

    “I just do. Oh, and they’re delicious.”

    (Not blueberries. Blueberries are gross. I mean the butches.)

    This translates, of course, to a wider spectrum of questions that are socially acceptable when posed to queers overall. “How do you have sex?” springs immediately to mind. Perhaps, somehow, this is just one more example of how the queer community spins in upon itself and reflects the mainstream prejudices to which we are all so often subjected.

    But whatever. It’s stupidity at its finest.

    And as to articulating why I like butches and married the sexiest transman alive? ‘Cause I wanted to!

  2. If a straight woman asks me this (terminally stupid question) I always answer that “if it’s the same as dating a guy then why isn’t she interested in dating the Butch?”

  3. Oh and Jolie, to THAT question “how do you have sex?” I say “same as you-only better and for longer” Hah!

  4. Yeah, I’ve decided I’m no longer going to dignify this stupid-ass question any longer. My doctor doesn’t like what it does to my blood pressure. Last thing I will say is that the entire thrust of this question is to me indicative of someone with a personal agenda…who is probably better served by a licensed therapist than my white, heart-shaped ass.

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