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The Best Relationship Advice I Never Got: Pre-relationship

March 2, 2012

I’ve been dating a long time, darlings. A. Long. Time. I had my first date when I was 15, so holy fuck. I’ve been dating for 30 years. I’ve had some good ones, some bad ones, some fully unforgettable ones and some completely regrettable ones. I’ve learned a lot along that.

I requested Best Relationship Advice I Never Got from my friends on Twitter and Facebook and I got some amazing responses. Turns out there is a lot of good advice out there, so I’m going to break this up into several posts. Be on the look out! All of these advice-givers prefer to remain anonymous, so I’m doing theirs first and mixing it in with my own.

The Pre-Relationship Advice

Some things, you need to know before you ever get so far as a relationship. As you’re getting to know someone, think about these things.

If you give someone your number or, if have a date, and the person doesn’t call you? She doesn’t want to. She did not lose your number, she did not get into a car accident, her mother did not die. She is not too busy. We make time for what we want to do. She does not want to call you. Move on. All this means is that she is not the right person for you and that leaves you open for finding the person who is the right one for you. Which leads me to the next thing ….

Believe her when she tells you who she is. If she says she is not ready for a relationship, she is not. If she says she is crazy, she is. If she says she is uber-jealous, she is, and it is NOT cute. Whatever it is, BELIEVE HER. For the love of pete, believe it. [However, if she says something like “I’m allergic to drama” that usually means, I am a dramatic motherfucker. Be careful.]

Don’t try to change her mind. You can’t MAKE anyone love you. You also can’t make anyone want to be in a relationship with you, even if they do love you. Even if you are the perfect woman for her, if she isn’t ready, she isn’t ready. Don’t send her text messages or emails or Facebook messages or tweets asking her to reconsider. Let it go. There is someone else out there who will be good for you and who is ready.

Drama at the very beginning is a bad sign. Into everyone’s life a little drama comes every now and again. It’s to be expected. Family problems, job crises, illness, crazy exes, etc. are all part of life. Things happen. If you’re just beginning to get to know someone and you see that they are constantly dealing with drama of some kind – think carefully about whether you can deal with it. The real red flag for me is when someone starts to create drama around “us.” That is a deal-breaker, my friend.

I mean, okay, you’re likely to hurt someone’s feelings or make them mad. If it happens a few times, as you’re getting to know one another, that’s to be expected. You’re learning how each other reacts to things and what is okay to say/not say, and like that. You’re still ironing out expectations and that sort of thing. Hurt feelings and/or mad are likely.

For example: Potential Girlfriend calls me “woman” sometimes. As in “Jesus Christ, woman!” when I’ve exasperated her. I like it. I think it’s sexy and, you know, dominant and hot. My sister? Would be mad as fuck if her husband called her “woman.” You can’t know that until it come up, right?

Reconsider this relationship, though, if you have a lot of communication problems. It may not be that either of you is a bad person or a bad potential girlfriend but that your communication styles might not mesh. That is okay.

I have many more bits of relationship advice to pass along, pumpkins, so stay tuned!


From → Relationships

  1. excellent post! i think you nailed the advice head on. If there are red flags from the start either discuss them or move on before someone gets hurt. Thanks for the great read, keep it up.

    • Thanks! I’m glad you liked it. I have at least one more and possibly more along these lines. Stop back by! 😉

  2. I think everything you’ve said is true, except for the not calling thing. Personally speaking, I’m a really busy person, I like being (lightly) pursued, and I like moving slowly. I think an indication of maturity is being able to respect my time & space and understanding the fact that, at the beginning (i.e., the first 6 months), I may only see you once or twice a month and text maybe once a week or so (I never talk on the phone). Some of the people I’ve dated take that as a lack of interest, but it’s more a mix of being busy and cautious. Those who are patient with me are the ones who eventually capture my heart.

    • If someone doesn’t call me, then I do take it as a sign of disinterest. Especially as I’m pretty clear that it’s important to me. I don’t think it’s disrespectful of their time and space but I definitely understand that I’m not a good fit for everyone. We all have different needs and wants in a relationship.

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