Butch v. Femme: Date Prep
I was getting ready to go out with friends, my daughter & daughter-in-law on my birthday and one of my friends said, about 15 minutes before I was ready to leave, “Wouldn’t it be cool if Prospective GF showed up and surprised you?” Uhhhh …. No. No, it wouldn’t. I was dressed and ready for Going Out with Friends, not Going Out with a Date and CERTAINLY not ready for Going Out for a First Date With Someone I Might Have Sex With for the First Time. I mean. It’s different! So she asked me, “How is it different?”
This woman is clearly butch because I would hazard a guess that every single one of my femme friends (and the straight ones, too) would know exactly why it’s different.
That got me thinking: what do butches do differently to prepare for a date? I asked some butches and some femmes what they do. Here’s what I got:
The Butches
Bren told me, “I put on a tie and cologne, and make sure my hair isn’t sticking up at crazy angles. 
1st dates: get dressed about an hour before I really need to, pace, fuss with my tie.”
SirDagger said, “I shower, clean up, dress well and out the door. make sure gas is in the truck.”
BoneFrisson says that “For friends, I probably won’t shower. A date? Definitely shower and trim the nails.” (to that I say: *smirk*)
Beelisty also says that “I shower, iron clothes, do up the hair. Shine shoes, that sort of thing.”
When I asked Prospective GF she said “I get dressed, spend less than a minute putting product in my hair and fussing with it. And … I’m ready.” (She doesn’t blog and her tweets are locked, so no link for her!)
eL gets the “Butch of the Week” for date prep. This is what she says that she does:
“I, for one, absolutely love going out on dates with my girlfriend. I get so.excited. before every date.
My shower can take between 10 and 35 minutes (depending on if I have to shave), and then I take about 5 minutes for lotion, 10-20 minutes do get dressed (depending on my decisiveness on any given day), and then 5 minutes (if that), to style my hair.
Getting dressed tends to take me the longest. So, any given date can take me between 25 and 70 minutes to get ready for, depending on mood/occasion.
The Femmes
Not nearly as many femmes answered the question – largely, I’m sure, because it takes so damned long to write out.
My girl Olivia gave me pretty quick & dirty answer: “I shower, shave, lotion, hair, try on 4 outfits, choose first one (usually), makeup, scent. start to finish… 40 min – 2 hrs”
My new twitter friend, Love Femme had a much lengthier answer. She went to all the trouble to write it on her own blog, so go over there and read it. I’ll wait.
Back? See? It takes a lot of work for femmes to get ready for a date!
As for me?
Getting ready for a date takes considerably more time than your average butch. Especially right now, when I’ve been not-dating for several months. Most Recent Ex and I broke up in September and I have been not-dating since then. Purposefully, I mean. I am still not actually dating. At the moment, I’m texting, chatting and once every blue moon, talking on the phone. But anyway.
So what would I do?
I’d get my hair cut and probably I’d color it. I always do that (color it, I mean) but I sometimes get lazy about the upkeep. I might even get wild and highlight it. [an aside: I have very dark hair but, for some reason, my hair doesn’t get red highlights in the sun, it gets blonde ones. Weird, right?]
I’d make a trip to the mall because I’d need to see the threading lady and get my eyebrows done. I’d probably get a manicure and pedicure, or do them myself. I do my manicures myself most of the time because I keep my nails short and don’t wear polish. [It’s very Not Cute to have chipped nail polish and I always do if I wear it, so I skip it. And I type a lot, so I need short nails. Besides – if my butch date wants me to touch her Girl Bits (which seems weird to say about a butch’s bits, but there you are) with my hands, short nails are less lethal.] If I’ve been totally slacking [which I have, for the record], then I’ll do a deep conditioner and a facial while I’m at it. I do those myself, though.
If my date is coming back to my apartment, I’ll have to get it all spiffed up, too. Change linens, dust, vacuum, tidy, make sure there is no stray dog fur lurking in corners or behind doors, make sure it smells good. [I have dogs and no amount of post-outside-drying-off can keep the wet dog smell away entirely if it’s been raining or snowing. Which? Not. Sexy. You have to attend to it. Regularly.]
After the housecleaning, I take a nap. Because I need the rest if I want to get properly ready AND have any energy left for flirting with my date.
The actual Date Prep? That can take some time. There’s the usual basic grooming. Though, I realize that’s different for femmes than for butches. I wrote once about the proper way to shower [and, yes, there IS a proper way to shower (and chances are you aren’t doing it right if you’re butch! To make a sweeping generalization.)]
This is the (very) abbreviated version:
Out of the shower, I have lotions to put on. Yes, plural. I use a different lotion for my face, my body, my feet and hands. If I’m in a “use oil on my body” phase, then I also have to have time to wait around for it to absorb or make a mess. Then I put on perfume. Usually I wear Egyptian Musk but I’m out of it and someone gave me Beyonce Heat, so that’s what I wear. It smells nice enough but eventually I’ll get around to ordering some more EM. Which is a lovely mix of floral and musk and not at all 70s-hippie-ish. [Which is fine if you like that sort of thing and it suits you, but I don’t and it doesn’t.]
I go lounge around and watch TV or something with my hair wrapped in a towel for about an hour, to give my hair time to dry at least partially on its own or I’d be blow drying my hair half the night.
Then I go decide what I’m going to wear. Depending on the time of year and what we’re going to do, it’s sorta standard. Either jeans and a top that shows lots of cleavage (because we should work our best assets, right?) and heels or a dress (again with the cleavage) and heels. How high the heel depends on how tall the date – or how secure- and what we’re going to do. I have 2” heels up to 4” heel platform boots. If I have to walk much, the platform boots are out. [Or if it’s wet. Those babies are the most beautiful aqua fabric and I will not let them get mussed.] Once I’ve tried on every possible version of either of those combinations, I choose one. Then I have to decide which necklace and other accessories, which purse, do I need a jacket?, etc. The only thing that’s pretty easy is that I almost always wear hoop earrings, so they don’t require much thought. [PS No butch in her right mind is going to plan a first date with me that requires either sneakers or hiking shoes. If she did? For the first date? She probably wouldn’t have a second. Just sayin’. I am not outdoorsy.]
By this time, I’m hungry, so I need a snack. Which will mean that I then have to brush my teeth again. [The snack is important because Hungry Barbie is Not Fun Barbie, which isn't a good thing on a date.]
Next, I do my hair. I am very lucky and all I do is blow dry my hair. I have thick, semi-curly hair that just goes right. Sometimes I don’t even have to blow dry it – if I fall asleep while I’m waiting for it to dry, it usually comes out of the towel looking pretty good. I’m a child of the 80s, so I like it to be a little messy looking and a little out of control. No hair spray for me, either, other than a little at my part so my hair stays the way I parted it. I want my date to be able to touch my hair without me freaking out.
About 20 minutes before I’m supposed to get picked up, I put on my makeup. I use a primer, foundation [Bare Minerals, usually, but I had a weak moment and tried another one and I’m trying to use it up so I can go back to Bare Minerals and not feel guilty about the wasted forty-five freaking dollars], Mineral Veil [if I’m using Bare Minerals, which now I’m not], blush, boat loads of mascara [short of Tammy Faye Baker, I do not think there is any such thing as too much mascara, but I do make sure it isn’t clumpy and spider-leg-looking. Because that? Unsexy.] and a red lipgloss. [My long-time favorite lipgloss is Cover Girl Lipslicks in Daring. Which is so beautiful and not too shiny and is, like, eight bucks. ]
I take the dogs out for one last quick trip [though not in my date shoes because that would be a disaster], give them a treat, and turn on music to wait for my date. Who had better not be late because I hate late. Especially for a date. But had better not be early either, because I am ready about 30 seconds before they are supposed to show up.
After the first date, I’m a little less obsessive. I still do most of it but if I don’t have time for my apartment to be immaculate, so be it. If I don’t have time to get my hair done, then fine. I am okay with dates that require sneakers or hiking shoes after the first one, so long as I’m told about it in advance so I can brace myself.
It’s a lot of work being femme. But you, my butches, make it worth it. We love how you look at us like you could just eat us up. We love how your eyes sparkle when you look at us. We *really* love it when you’re sorta speechless when we have on something particularly amazing. We like it when your friends say “Damn, bro. How did you get HER?” and you say, “I have no idea.” Because we know that you know we are more than just the external, but we certainly love to have that external appreciated.
And you? How do you get ready for a date?
